Navigating High-Conflict Personalities: What Not to Do

People with high-conflict personalities (HCPs) often exhibit a pattern of extreme behaviors. 

They think in all-or-nothing terms, have unmanaged emotions, and frequently blame others while refusing to take responsibility. 

This makes conflicts with them particularly frustrating, as they escalate disputes rather than resolve them.

When dealing with HCPs, many of us make common mistakes in an attempt to manage or fix the situation. These mistakes, though well-intended, often backfire. Here are four of the most common errors:

Trying to Give Them Insight into Their Behavior

It is natural to want someone to recognize their flaws, but HCPs lack self-awareness. Efforts to explain their negative behaviors to them are met with resistance. 

Rather than reflecting on their actions, they may see your feedback as an attack. This can make them even more defensive and hostile, damaging your relationship further.

Focusing on the Past

High-conflict individuals use blame and personal attacks to control conversations

HCPs are often fixated on past grievances, but discussing these only fuels their defensiveness. Instead of revisiting past conflicts, try shifting the focus to future solutions.  

Asking questions like “What do you suggest we do now?” or presenting choices can be more productive. Offering alternatives allows them to see new possibilities rather than staying stuck in blame.

Having Emotional Confrontations

Since HCPs have intense emotional reactions, they can easily be triggered by displays of frustration or anger. Emotional confrontations can escalate the situation rather than resolve it.

 Keeping calm and maintaining a neutral tone can help prevent their emotions from spiraling out of control. HCPs often mirror the emotions of those around them, so staying composed can help de-escalate conflicts.

Telling Them They Have a Personality Disorder

It may be tempting to label an HCP’s behavior or diagnose them with a personality disorder. However, this approach is almost always counterproductive. 

Since they already struggle with defensiveness, directly confronting them with a label will make them feel attacked. They may respond by cutting off contact or becoming even more hostile.

Understanding Defensive Behavior

Responding with logic or defense only fuels their behavior

Many people assume that HCPs behave badly on purpose. However, their actions are often driven by an unconscious need for self-protection 

Their extreme behaviors come from a mistaken perception of danger. For example, some fear abandonment, humiliation, or betrayal. 

Instead of viewing their actions as malicious, it helps to recognize that they are acting out of fear and insecurity.

High-Conflict Behavior in Different Settings

HCPs can be found in families, workplaces, and personal relationships. In families, they may engage in controlling or manipulative behaviors.

In the workplace, they may be difficult colleagues or bosses. Public humiliation or criticism only worsens their defensiveness. Instead, setting clear boundaries and focusing on solutions can be more effective.

Moving Forward

Rather than trying to change an HCP’s behavior through insight or confrontation, it is more helpful to focus on managing interactions. 

Staying calm, avoiding emotional confrontations, and redirecting conversations toward future choices can reduce unnecessary conflict. 

Recognizing their defensive nature allows you to approach them with strategies that minimize escalation and promote better outcomes.

Join American Muslim Today's podcast airing March 7th with Bill Eddy for an in-depth discussion on recognizing and protecting yourself from high-conflict people